Your Boobs Are Gross, It's a Fact

Thoughts on exfoliation, straight hair, and other things.

It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you without a dope makeup beat to follow the steps to. But I’m here, and I have some notes that I’ve gathered throughout the summer.

When I was moonlighting as a mother of three when my nieces and nephew visited, it was very hot. And when I wasn’t thinking about how high my energy bill was going to be, I had a line constantly going through my head: Hell is hot and it’s on Earth and Gott ist tot. Yes, I’m rhyming Nietzsche with “hot” and yes, my brain is on fire literally every day.

This poetic lyric got me thinking about some of the rituals I usually adopt during this awful season and there’s one in particular that I think people are missing out on.

Exfoliate your boobs!!

Or your chest, whatever you want to call that area. No matter if you have rock hard pecs or jugs for days, that precious skin is getting bombarded with sweat. Think about all of that buildup, exacerbated by bras, binders, and bb tight tees — it’s just layers of dead skin and sweaty residue. LIKE how disgusting is residue — the “ew” sound is literally in the word.

What a dream. Image: Flamingo Estate.

I’m not the best at sticking to routines, but I do remember to exfoliate twice a week in the summertime. Everybody’s skin is different, though, and you should be the judge of what your skin can handle. Knowing that, there are a couple of ways to buff your chest clean:

• A bar 🧼 - It’s no secret that my boobs are gigantic, so big in fact that I thought their weight caused a recent bout of costochondritis (they didn’t, but a stretch did). So, I usually have to lift them up to really get in there. I love the ease of an exfoliating bar because you can use the corners to get around the curves and the flat sides cover a lot of surface area. Currently, I’m using the Soft Services Buffing Bar because I’m bougie and don’t have kids to spend money on. Glossier has one for half the price, I’m curious about Natura’s $10 joint, and the Dove one might be a nice gentle option. Me? I’m saving up to try Flamingo Estate’s, because again, I’m bougie.

• Body scrub - I know some of you are probably like “ew, a bar, that’s so gross!” Grow up!! But, scrubs are a good alternative. You can rub scrubs in a circular motion with medium pressure, then rinse. Add in one of those mitts or a gentle body brush if you want to. For some extra luxurious action, you can do a gommage situation and leave on an enzyme scrub, then slough it off after the product hardens a bit. I’ve used Josie Maran’s scrub and back in the day when I received free products, this Osmia formula made me feel like what I would imagine it feels like getting a spa day at the Four Seasons or Ritz. I know the TikTok girlies love Tree Hut, so maybe I’ll give those a whirl one of these days. Not to police you, but maybe steer clear of those microplastics.

• An old-fashioned cloth - It’s simple. Wet the cloth and your body, then scrub a little harder than usual. It’s a quick little exfoliating treatment to hold you over. Immediately throw it into the laundry basket and be on your way.

You can even keep it going with exfoliating serums, lotions and body washes, but you don’t have to overdo it. Most importantly, don’t forget to moisturize after you shower. As a person with a bigger body, I know that nooks and crannies exist in places other than the chest. Dig into those rolls and inner thighs, behind the knees and the folds of your elbows.

Anyway, here’s some other beauty shit that’s been on my mind.

1. One of my nieces is the princess of lip liner and she’s making me want to get back into it. I use it whenever I do A Lip of course, but I’m craving more creative creations like a purple liner blending into a pink pout or even a dark brown or black liner that fades into a glossy red, à la Donna Summer. Let me know which ones you’re using and laugh at this throwback tweet that Khloe herself retweeted.

   

2. During July 4th weekend, I forced my sister to blow out and flat iron my hair, which now reaches a little past my shoulders. In November 2019, I cut off all of my hair and decided to grow it out, so it’s nice to see the growth. I didn’t really know who I was with the straight hair and I was a little too obsessed with it in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. It was like wow I feel better with this hair than I do with my normal coils! Which is fucked up! Society! Patriarchy! Misogynoir! It’s brutal out here. Now, I have braids that are down to my butt and I sort of hate and love them because I told the stylist I wanted them nipple length. I didn’t know that my nipples reached down that far.

3. One of my good deeds for the summer is making sure I get enough protein throughout the day and so I eat like 3 pounds of edamame every week or something. But I’m just like, am I supposed to feel better? Because I still wake up feeling like Big Foot broke my back last night.

Any questions? Criticisms? Things you’ve been thinking about? Hit me up.